Found it!!

Mattel Ltd. recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie dolls specifically for the Sudbury-area market:



Donavan Barbie: This recently paroled, tattooed & nose-pierced Barbie comes with a lifted Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a chemistry kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills, unless you are a cop; then, we don't know what you're talking about!


Flour Mill Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a fake ID card and bus pass. Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Credit cards are not available for Flour Mill Barbie or Ken. Extra tires included with any car purchased due to the slashing problem in that neighbourhood.


Gatchell Barbie: This doll breaks the mold of the thin and curvy Barbies of the area. Instead she is supporting a full pasta belly and has life long dreams of being the manager at the Caruso club. Ken, AKA Gino, was wearing his 84 Italian world cup thin, really thin, cotton shirt until very recently. He can now be found sporting the 2006 Italian world cup thin cotton shirt (2 sizes too small) while washing the driveway.


Lo-Ellen Park Barbie: This modern-day homemaker/professional Barbie, with realistic stretch marks, migraines, and chronic low-grade depression is uniquely realistic with her dark-rooted, intermittently frizzy or flat hair and the dark circles under her eyes. She is available with a 7-passenger minivan complete with reusable green grocery baskets and hockey bags. She comes with Birkenstocks, two unflattering Cotton Ginny Plus tracksuits, one pair of faded Levis, a black turtleneck and a black wool jacket. Cell phone/leash and five screaming, bratty kids also included. (Bespectacled Ken also comes with a pair of 1980 Levi's, Birkenstocks, his own mid-range SUV and a removable hair piece.)


Valley Barbie: This Barbie is normally found within close proximity of many other Valley Barbies and their Kens who are normally found behind the wheel of a 4x4 with a fishing boat in the back in the summer, fall and late spring...and a snow machine or ATV in the winter and early spring. She comes with a gun and her own licences for moose, small game and fishing. Clothing available for purchase includes doe skin jacket, ski-doo suit, cut off jean shorts, Wrangler jeans and profanity-ridden t-shirts. She comes with a twelve pack of Canadian and a pack of smokes. Believed to be clean.


Maki Avenue /Ramsey Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print bikini outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the boat house (Percocet prescription available). Her bling is big in stark contrast to her mental capacities. She enjoys the occasional hissy fit and is superb in making those around her feel inferior and lowly.


Moon glow /New Subdivision Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at COSTCO, beside the 50 dollar begonias. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired dog named Honey, and a fully, double-mortgaged house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. (Workaholic Ken (lawyer, dentist, doctor, INCO exec) sold only in conjunction with bleach-blond 'augmented breast' version.)


Rumball Terrace Barbie: She has the system figured out. She has 7 kids from at least 6 'Kens' and with that next one on the way they can soon afford to move out of Sudbury Housing and get onto the right side of the tracks. Ken aspires to work at Inco, but in the meantime he spends his spare time (all day) at the Legion staring into the bottom of a $3.75 Coors Light draft.


University-area Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight, brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll and comes with Indian cotton peasant skirt and top, silver bangles and Wikkan motif necklace and earrings. Also included is a bus pass, a full book bag, a bicycle and reusable hemp grocery bags.


Chemie and Azilda Barbie: This pale, opinionated, pregnant model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans, two sizes too small, and a NASCAR shirt. She has a draft ball of Northern and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is an optional Ken doll, with a monster mud bog truck and bbq strapped to the back window stacked on top of two ski-doos. Matching skidoo suits available.


Wahnapitae Barbie: This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time they were purchased. (Beer-Gut - hockey haired Ken, equipped with stolen tools and boots from Falconbridge/INCO, comes with rusty monster Camaro and hammock.) Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home and nickel-bonus check.


Wanup /Verner Barbie: This Barbie comes with a 1984 Trans am with expired temporary plates and three baby Barbies in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a pick up truck loaded 10 feet high with fire wood. Baggy of pot no longer available *wink wink* unless for medical reasons. No bra available for this Barbie however stretch pants are now being sold across fine buck stores everywhere.